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I code and listen to music, powered by coffee and whisky.

Explaining front and back end development to Hannah:

Me - "... so that's front end and back end development"

Hannah - "I'm imagining you like a pantomime horse at the back end"

Me - "yeah we get called the asses"

chuckles

You become so desperate that you're willing to try anything to get better. It's a good thing to a certain extent. It shows that you're at the stage where you want help in any form.

I'm a long way from that time, but in order to get here I started taking anti-depressants and beta blockers. I'm sure that without them I wouldn't be in the position I am now but they have a lasting effect.

I've decided that I want to get off them, they're starting to scare me, they're like a fake reality that's projected in front of my eyes. That's not to say that I'm not better but part of me wonders how much of that is the meds. So it's time to move away from them, this isn't an easy thing. For a start you can't just go cold turkey.

This was a very short session clocking in at 30 minutes over the phone.

I can see what we're trying to achieve through CBT but it just seems a bit pointless, I don't think we really covered much of importance. I much prefer in person sessions as I can't distract myself or become distracted by other things as easily.

I don't really have much to report on this session, in the next sessions we'll be covering breathing techniques to help bring my anxiety down and help control panic attacks more.

I'd be interested to see what other people's CBT session structure is like as like most people I'm going into this blindly.

CBT

Time is a funny thing, we emblazen it on our phones, our wrists, on our walls in every facet of our daily lives. It controls us whether we like it or not.

When I first experienced death it was one of the hardest things to deal with, the resounding thing that people said was that "time heals everything". Well I call bullshit to this day I'm still hurt by the death of my grandmother. She was a wonderful person taken from us far too early.


Time really is a funny thing. You can listen to a ticking clock and witness as it passes you by.

Ever since I bought a Pure Pro I've sort of been obsessed with the world of mechanical keyboards. As a developer I want to make sure I'm happy typing on something day in day out. It's also very important that I can type fast and accurate so I have to be 100% happy with a keyboard. I've recently sold my Pure Pro which I was pretty happy with as it's just not for me. I bought a Poker 2 ANSI (American layout) as a temporary replacement to it which I've been more than happy with. It currently has Raindrop keys on and a Tex acrylic case, it's the nicest keyboard I've ever had the pleasure of typing on.

Instead of a long post going into each sessions I attended I figured you're probably just best watching them when they're on YouTube as it was an excellent conference.

So I'd like to quickly run through the things I really enjoyed about the conference and why I'll be attending without fail next year.

The Venue - Surprisingly good tbh, I'm always weary of conference venues but this was pretty cool, especially the pendulum in the main entrance way.

The Talks - Superb as per usual, the keynote from ircmaxell was really good. The standard of talks was super high as has become expected of PHPNW.

I had my second round of CBT today and it went much better than the first round. This time I took a bottle of water with me it gave me something to focus on and stop my hands from getting all weird, it's also amazing how thirsty you get during these things.

The session was focused on a few situations over the past few weeks where I've had issues with anxiety and panic attacks. We identified things about the situations and how I should be dealing with them.

I feel much more positive after today's session and I'm glad that I'm sticking with it, I can see that this will help me and provide me with the tools to help control my thoughts better.

CBT

Today I had my first CBT session. I’m hugely conflicted, I don’t know what I was expecting. My session was just a reiteration of the initial phone introduction. It seemed like a waste of time to me, I’m not discounting CBT at all.

I was given a pro-forma thought journal to fill out for the next sessions (earliest was 3 weeks!!!), I’d already seen this in the initial documentation that I’d been sent so I could have done this in preparation for this meeting rather than the next.

While we didn’t go into anything of substance in terms of CBT I did realise a few key things:

Again it’s been too long since my last post, I seem to come up with ideas and start planning it out in my head only to end up with a rambling nonsensical rant on where I am and what I’ve gone through. This time I’m going to structure it and make sure I get my point across.

Honesty

I’m now a lot more honest, with myself and those around me. It’s vital to where I am that I am honest, it’ll help detect and issues in the future and make sure that I keep those around me in the loop about how I’m feeling. This has become so vital to how I recover as I can no longer hide behind lies and the misconception that everything is fine.

It's been a few weeks since I last posted. I've decided to be frank about all of this, I want to be honest with myself and others. I've found that writing things down helps to organise my thoughts.

My mind is still a mess I don't fully understand it yet, I have good days and bad. I'm still having panic attacks even though I'm on medication. Overall I'm not as depressed though so at least part of the medication is working as it should. The side effects of the medication are finally waning as well which is great as for the first week of taking them it was not pleasant.

Therapy is something I'm looking into and I'm scheduled for September, while it's not great it's what I have to work with.