It’s been a few weeks since I last posted. I’ve decided to be frank about all of this, I want to be honest with myself and others. I’ve found that writing things down helps to organise my thoughts.
My mind is still a mess I don’t fully understand it yet, I have good days and bad. I’m still having panic attacks even though I’m on medication. Overall I’m not as depressed though so at least part of the medication is working as it should. The side effects of the medication are finally waning as well which is great as for the first week of taking them it was not pleasant.
Therapy is something I’m looking into and I’m scheduled for September, while it’s not great it’s what I have to work with.
I’ve been thinking a lot on how I got into this place and how I didn’t see it coming. I think the problems started before I joined my current job, any issues were hidden away by me finding Hannah (this is not a bad thing!). Hannah makes me so happy it hid any issues I had. Moving jobs provided a different pace and what I thought would be a move back into development. Instead of development I moved into a more project lead role, a role which while I can do just isn’t something I enjoy (maybe it’s the way it’s being run). With the added stress of being project lead on “Project Doge” and quickly falling into a support role the pressure increased and the increased need to deliver against quite frankly crazy and stupid requests made things very difficult. After I moved off PD I started on “Project Momus”. This project was certainly the one that broke me, it has all the hall marks of a nightmare, while I won’t go into the specifics we should never have taken this project and me being given it was unfair. The one part of my previous job I miss is the ability for people to say “no”.
I’ve been overwhelmed by peoples support but while everyone is offering their help and experience no one wants to listen. Everyone wants to dish out their own advice and while I’m not criticising that for once I’d just like to be listened to. I’ve always been there for people (at least I think I have). Even typing this sounds selfish. I come off as an ass saying this but it’s tough being in this situation and feeling so alone sometimes. I know now that I’m not alone and people are there for me to talk to but it felt like I was on an island for so long.
Being off work has made me think about a lot of things. I haven’t touched real code in a while, I want to but I just can’t bring myself to it, I find my concentration wanes and I lose focus on the problem. I’m hoping that this is something that will come back to me over the next week, I’m going to start tackling a few things and work on a personal project.
I’d like to think that I’m getting better, it’s been a struggle and not something that I ever really want to go through. It feels like I’m having to start a lot of things up from scratch, gaining back my confidence and ability to feel like I can do my job. One of the hardest challenges I have at the moment is coming to terms with what I’m supposed to be doing as my job, I’m struggling to feel like I’m good at what I do. On the one hand my lack of coding over the past few years has dulled my skills to the point where I was doing more coding outside of work than in, on the other hand I’ve learnt lots of additional skills that are always useful. It’s tough to really think about how I want to progress. One of the really interesting things someone pointed out was Imposter Syndrome something I’ve read into and can really relate to.
The one thing I keep coming back to is the fact that I’m tired. There are only a select few people that know this but I’ve had ME (CFS - Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) since I was 16. It’s the subject of another blog post that I’ve had written for a few months and will get round to posting as soon as I feel happy posting it. It’s an illness that I’ve had for a long time know. One of the reasons I’ve not been public about this is that I’ve had to prove myself that it doesn’t effect my ability to work. I won’t lie and say it hasn’t effected me but I do not want to be judged by it. Hopefully I’ve proved over the past 6 years that it hasn’t effected me being who I am. All of this seems very contradictory but I’m being brutally honest, this has definitely impacted my mental state over the past few months.
So I guess I should wrap this post up now. I want to thank certain people for helping along the way, I’m getting better and becoming a stronger person because of you:
Janet & David - Dad you’re only just understanding and I understand that, it means a lot I appreciate every second we spend together. Mum I love you, thank you for being there and making sure me and Hannah have a lovely place to stay.
James & Steph - Love you Bob, you’ll never realise how much the nights we played games together really mean to me. Steph look after Bob.
Hannah - <3, I love you.
Garrett - One day I hope to repay all the wisdom you’ve shared. Our late night chats have meant a lot and SF next year will be amazing.
Mark, Ali, Matt - Thank you for indulging my PSBH habit. Those nights mean a lot and I look forward to many more, let the badge wars continue!
CTI - I really appreciate the opportunity to work with great people and I look forward to many a successful project in the future.
UK Drupal Community - Last but not least, thank you to the people on twitter and IRC. You gave me the confidence and ability to get help and get to the position where I can write this.