I’m tired, I’m exhausted. I’m mentally fucked.
I had my first “official” appraisal today and I still can’t shake the feeling that I’ve fucked up. That I’m not good enough and everything is my fault.
I’m not even sure it is but at the moment I just feel like I should crawl into a ball and forgot that I exist.
There’s one part of the appraisal that has really shocked and upset me. Dependability. My “dependability” is less than satisfactory or some other equally negative wording. I don’t really know what to say about that. I feel like I’ve failed totally. I hope that my friends don’t think that.
I’m putting up a front, that I’m fine. The front is breaking and the cracks are showing.
I’m acutely aware of how risky it is putting stuff like this out there. I’m worried that I’ll be pulled up at work for things I say here. I’m worried that it’ll effect my future employability. I live this half life where I’m constantly worried I’ll hurt people and myself yet can pass as a normal human being. I’m sat here watching Hannah clean because we have guests tomorrow and I want to cry. I don’t want to hurt those I love. I want to get better but today just seems like a lost cause.