Recently my anxiety is triggering more and more frequently. Last night two men were arguing outside Sainsburys at Oxford Road, it triggered my anxiety, my heart began racing, eyes twitching and I became the monster I hate.
Generally I tend to cope well with anxiety but when I get triggered I find it very difficult to function. I know the reasons for this, I know that it’s my situation and stress that makes things worse. I’m trying to cope with anxiety attacks but it’s difficult. My brain just regresses into being an soup of anger and sadness that spirals out of control till I want to punch a wall or generally do myself harm, pain seems to control it somehow.
I’ve not really spoken about self harm before, it’s not something I ever considered myself suffering from. Until last year when I was lucky enough to be at Manchester Geek Mental Help Week where Chad @kitation was speaking. She was quite frank and opened my eyes to the world of self harm. It comes in so many different forms. Mine isn’t drastic, it’s not life threatening but it’s painful and the pain helps. I bite my thumb to the point where I’ve teared the nail off, not just a small bit, it’s all gone. It’s painful, there’s a reason why you see people use it as torture, the pain lingers for days until it heals, it’s a kind of burning pulsating pain. The worst thing is I can’t help it, the damage is done before I realise it. I wish I could stop, with the wedding coming up it’s not going to be a pretty sight when people ask to see my wedding ring.