It’s around 6 months since the pulmonary embolism and while recovery is going ok there’s still some things not right.
I’ve come to think of them as things I’ve lost in the fire. They’re not coming back or at least not without hard work.
Confidence#
My confidence has gone. I’m second guessing myself all the time. I’m not confident at work any more. I’m actively struggling with things I wouldn’t before. I think I’m faking it at times but I don’t feel right anymore. Before PE I’d have confidently told you why I deserve to be senior now I’m struggling to figure out if I deserve it.
Worry#
This I gained in the fire. Every little health niggle is a potential emergency even though I’m on all the right medication to keep me alive. I finally flew for the first time recently and I was scared shitless. I made it but I thought I wouldn’t at times.
Immortality#
I’d like to think I’d live forever but that doesn’t seem possible. I know it never was but you know the feeling of being 20 and nothing can stop you. Even worse this whole event probably shortened my life expectancy, I doubt that 80 is a number I can look forward to, maybe more like 60 which is only 21 years away, meaning I’m 2/3rds of the way through my life. I’m scared of dying and the thought chills me.
Life#
It’s not all doom and gloom I want to live, I feel like there’s things I’ve still not achieved. Cutting down to 4 days a week a work means that work is no longer my primary concern. Work should never be that but we’re taught from an early age that 5 days a week of either school or work is what you should do. I work to live not live to work.
Pain#
I’m in pain most of the time, whether it be physical or mental. I can’t hide from it it’s just there. Medication is helping to an extent but at the end of the day I’m in pain. It ranges from uncomfortable to sleep preventing.
I was reminded recently that my physical self harm scars are still something that most people don’t understand. I’ve come to terms with them but others haven’t, it’s fine but they have to listen to my side of the story, I’m not that person anymore.
Future#
Things I gained in the fire.