The title pretty much sums it up, BPEs suck.
How did we get here#
For most of the year I’d been feeling a bit off it, dizzy spells and being exhausted, I put this down to ME/CFS being a pain as per usual. In June we went to Cyprus for two weeks holiday it was hot but we had such a great time. When I got back I caught COVID (4th times the charm), whenever I get it I’m always very ill with it. 2 weeks after COVID I got a chest infection which was quite bad, I never really recovered afterwards. We’re pretty sure this is where it all went wrong and the bloods clots in my lungs started to form. From there my health has deteriorated to the point where I’ve been backwards and forwards to the doctors. Each time I went I was told the chest infection hadn’t gone and given either an inhaler or more medication. It was also around this time that I noticed my chest was aching, I have acid reflux and well and while it’s been managed for years and years I’d been getting aches and what felt like acid reflux again.
When I look back all the signs that something was seriously wrong. My lungs had been slowly failing until it got to the point where breathing was difficult and I came very close to dying. I remember saying to my mum that I wished something would go wrong just so I could get to the bottom of why I felt so bad, living with a chronic illness tends to do that to you.
Anger#
I’m not proud of it but I can’t help and look at other people who’re twice my weight and smoke 800 cigarettes a day and wonder why me. It makes me really angry and I know it shouldn’t but it’s hard not to. I can count the amount of cigarettes I’ve smoked in my life on 2 hands, yes I’m overweight but I’m exercising regularly and love walking. I just don’t understand why I’m so unlucky.
I’ve been dealing with ME/CFS ever since I was 16 years old, I don’t need any more crap. I’m angry about the whole thing.
Death#
This is something I haven’t quite figured out in my head. The amount of things that could of gone wrong but didn’t are mind blowing. I could have died and it doesn’t feel like it. My brain just can’t get round the fact that things got quite serious. Trauma is something I’ve always struggled to deal with it’s been a lot easier to just ignore things and move on.
Recovery#
It’s been a few days since I originally wrote the start of this post and things are getting easier, slowly but surely my breathing is getting better but simple things are making me tired. I’m having to rebuild my stamina from scratch. I’m off work still and as much as I’d like to be back I can’t. My brain isn’t working as well as it sh
Everyday is getting better.