After this post I figured I should write more since I’ve always found it cathartic.
The support I’ve had since I published it has been amazing, thanks to everyone who got in touch on twitter and other means, I’m sorry I’ve not replied yet but it’s a bit overwhelming and I’m honestly not sure what I can say.
Talking about these things has always been something I’ve wanted to do, I believe that by talking about them it brings them to a wider audience and hopefully helps people to feel like they’re not alone. Self harm is something that I will have to deal with for a very long time, the scars are visible and a constant reminder of how dark things got.
I wanted to believe that my mental health issues were a one off thing, after every dark patch I swear it will be my last but I know now that it won’t be and the most important thing is how I handle it.
My relationship with alcohol is something I’ve had to put under the microscope, I love beer, not in a 12 pack of Carlsberg on a Tuesday night love but a hunting around for an obscure yet delicious beer by a brewery that I’ve never heard of. I’ve made it no secret to my colleagues that I’d love to someday work in the beer industry, maybe one day we’ll pivot into a hipster brewery. Drinking on my own is something that I can’t do anymore, I can’t trust myself to control my intake and it’s sodding expensive. This means that I no longer drink in the house alone, I’m free to have a beer if my wife is around and I’m looking forward to sharing her now quite impressive Imperial Stout collection I’ve built for her. Drinking in good company is fine, I love the social aspect of it and I’m always willing to share beer with others to discover something amazing. Beer I don’t like should be a sink pour, if it doesn’t taste nice then bin it.
Regular therapy over the past few months has been something that I don’t think I could have managed without. The main thing I’ve found is to get out of the whole push towards CBT and Mindfulness, while they’re great techniques, I’m aware of them and practice them on a daily basis. Therapy for me is about understanding how I feel and the triggers for that. I’ve found I struggle a lot with work related thoughts stemming back from working in horrrible environments when I first started, also I’ve found it very hard to let go of a wide range of events in my life. Being able to talk about these has opened up avenues of thought which I’d never have thought possible.
Some of the next steps towards recovery is to spend more time with family and friends, I’ve neglected them a lot recently and would love to spend more time out and about.
Holidays is something that I want to do more of, it means I need to be more careful with money and start saving up for big holidays throughout the year. I’d love to spend time in Asia and Australia. I’d also love to go back to Austria and spend as much time as possible working and playing in the snow.
Once my arm is fully healed I’ll be looking for a tattoo to cover the scars, I’ve been putting it off for too long (I’m a huge wuss). I’m a huge fan of geometric tattoos so will be looking for something along those lines.
Things are getting better. It does get better.