I turned 40 in April, most people would be happy but not me. It marks a milestone in general shittery, a point in time where I’m forced to reflect on a decade of midlife crisis.
I hate complaining (I love moaning as much as the next Yorkshire man) so please forgive this post, in fact please don’t read if your here for the tech stuff, hopefully normal service will resume soon. Just remember I’m human too even if sometimes I’m happier in the cli than I am in real life.
I was lucky enough to spend my 40th with my wife in Prague, we had a lovely day, beer followed by a tasting menu and wine pairing then capped off with a mistaken whisky or two. The day before we’d gotten some bad news, it’s really shook us up and has occupied our heads still. It forced us to confront relationships and what they mean to others and us. It put a cloud over the rest of the holiday for sure. This was the final straw for me it was the bubbling over on what’s seemingly being a never ending shit storm of bad things.
I’m chronically ill, I have been for the majority of my life now - 24 years is a long time. It’s not getting better it’s getting worse. It won’t kill me but living with ME/CFS is pardon the pun tiring. It’s there all the time a weight on my body that never lifts, the brain fog that causes me to lose stammer and lose the ability to speak. No one sees these things apart from my wife and she’s a fucking saint. It’s exhausting and when things go bad it makes things worse, and that’s the thing so much is going wrong at the moment both mentally and physically.
My stomach is currently trying to eat itself, sounds crazy but I kid you not for some reason it’s decided to produce enough acid to dispose of a dead body. Seemingly no reason why, I even went sober for 45 days to see if that would help (it didn’t). I’m waiting on further tests nearly 6 months in now. The constant acid reflux and nausea just add to how crap I feel on a day to day basis.
It’s also that time of the year I’m reminded just how close I came to dying from the bilateral pulmonary embolism, I’m due lung function tests (they’re fine I think) and a final discharge from the consultant (some good news I guess). With this comes so much mental pain and grief, it’s left me with pretty severe PTSD making hospital visits quite literally a living nightmare.
My friendship group is collapsing, there’s so much stuff going on with everyone that we hardly speak anymore. There’s an elephant in the room and we’re all just dancing around it waiting for it to bolt and smash what’s little left of the china in the shop. I’m not sure if it’ll ever recover. Part of the problem is me as well, I’m not drinking much anymore, so much of our group is built around pubs and drinking so I’m also the one drifting away for a hopefully healthier lifestyle.
Shadow is ill, he has an abscess in his mouth. It’s not painful and he’s in fine form but it’s still something we want to get sorted, it’s been multiple operations and trips to the vets. The insurance is starting to run out as well just in time for a trip to a specialist for further diagnosis. We’ll be able to afford it in the end but it’s money we’d earmarked for nice things (not that Shadow isn’t a nice thing! Hopefully you get my point here).
Work is a bit shit, politics and bad management are making things incredibly frustrating. In any other time I’d be like fuck it new job time but nope not this time, I genuinely care too much to walk away. We do amazing work and damned if I’m going to stop.
I guess the main triggering thing is that I’m 40 now. I’m realistically over half way through my life and I’m scared of dying, truly scared to the point where it causes panic attacks. My chances of making it to 80 are very very slim given everything that’s happened over the past 2 years and that’s really fucking hard to deal with. I want kids, I should have had kids 10 years ago but now we’re waiting till next year, I don’t know why we’re waiting it’s not my decision and honestly I’m kinda sad to be putting it off for another year. I never wanted to be an old dad, I’m so grateful to have young parents. In theory I’ll be 59 when I can have my first legal drink with my kid. I don’t think I’ll be alive after that for much longer.
I’m scared I’ve wasted my life, writing all of the above is scary, it’s also made me realise all the good things I have in my life. I still have the ability to change it’s direction. Sorry if you read this far, writing is a form of coping for me.
I promise I’ll get back to the tech posts soon, I’ve just finished off some cool renovate bot config. FWIW Lilly has just started sneezing behind me and it’s super cute.