This week has been tough.
Fucking tough.
I’d like to think I was transparent about things. I aim to be. But it’s tough. I skirt the line of being offensive/hyper critical/moaning old bastard. I have to be careful of what I say out of some kind of fucking moral code (sorry for the swearing mum).
I have a love hate relationship with development, I’m working two jobs, my day job and my projects outside of work. One keeps the bills paid the other keeps me interested in PHP. It’s an odd balance.
I’m rambling… this week has been tough. It’s no secret I’m working on the biggest project of my career. It’s an ok project, parts of it are genuinley challenging which as a developer I relish. I was supposed to be in London today but the mental and physical costs to me personally far out weigh that of the company, it’s an odd thing to say but highly relevant in a culture that values the job over life.
But yeah this week has been tough. I’ve felt things I never wanted to feel again, the panic, the dark thoughts that scare me. I’m lucky enough to have Hannah who I can turn to whenever things get dark. She’s my pebble and I’m her rock, it’s a sizeist joke but she came up with it so…
FUCK this week has been hard. I’m trying to disassociate myself with work politics, my dislike of certain colleagues. The things that get me down and angry. I need a switch I can turn off and not give a fuck.
So I guess what I’m saying is this week as been tough, but it’s Friday and tomorrow is Saturday, come Monday it all starts over again.