Below is an update I posted to Convivio and my familly whatsapp group. Parts are redacted.
I haven’t really checked in with you all in a while so figured I would give an update on how I am.
On the whole I’m feeling much better, the medication seems to be working really well. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll be taking it for a long time which is fine as long as it keeps working.
Therapy is proving to be a really good outlet for me and discussing how I feel and the problems I face. I feel like there are two mes at the moment, the old and the new. The new feels a lot better and more capable of handling things life throws at me. The best way I can explain it is that if my old baseline mood was constantly a 3/4 out of 10 then my new baseline mood is 6/7. This is taking some getting used to since I can’t help but feel that it’ll all come crashing down at some point, it’s something I’m working on.
Work has been a huge factor in my mental health something that I’ve been focusing a lot on. Trying to differentiate between what’s a good day and a bad day. Yesterday was a perfect example of how my brain struggles to handle things like this."". In the end I had a really good day and it was positive and I felt good. Good is an odd concept that takes some getting used to. 9 time out of 10 if Han was to ask if I’ve had a good day at work I’d say no because my brain was conditioned that way. Now it’s not the case.
The phased return to work has been great, it’s eased me back into things and got me going steadily. It also means I can handle things a lot better, honestly by the time I’ve finished 2/3 days work I’m exhausted, I’m not really sure why but I think there is some correlation between having a clearer head and CFS.
I’m working on seeing the good and positive things in life, learning how to be excited again and the differentiation between anxiety and that excitement. I have good and bad days still but that’s normal and something I need to settle in, everyday is no longer just bad. The next hurdle is removing the concept of old and new me.
I’m just me and that’s ok.