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When I look at my arm I hate it, it doesn’t feel a part of my body, the scars are a constant reminder that I went through a dark time and it’s something that makes me feel angry and ashamed. Living with this is something I’m struggling with at the moment. I hate having to keep my arm covered all the time it’s frustrating since I really don’t like having my forearms covered at all.

One of the things I’ve found quite hard to accept is how awesome my support network has been over the past few months. Hannah - She’s taken days of work to sit with me and keep me company when times were the darkest, she’s looked after me in so many different and amazing ways. She’s fattened me up on sweets when I’ve been unable to eat and provided an endless supply of tea even if she’s still got a way to go when it comes to brewing properly!

After this post I figured I should write more since I’ve always found it cathartic. The support I’ve had since I published it has been amazing, thanks to everyone who got in touch on twitter and other means, I’m sorry I’ve not replied yet but it’s a bit overwhelming and I’m honestly not sure what I can say.

I’ve always tried to be open and public about my dealings with mental health which is why this post is probably the hardest I’ve ever written. It started a few months ago when I noticed that stress from work was building up to a point where I couldn’t handle it anymore, depression and anxiety hit hard and I lost control again. While not as bad as my first breakdown what happened after was the worst experience of my life.

After a recent trip to St Ives and the wonderful Mount Zion coffee I’ve decided to step up my game and buy some new toys for the kitchen. First up is a timer - One of the things I learnt while in St Ives was the importance of draw down time. Too long and the coffee is over extracted too short and it’s under. Both very important. The difference is like night and day and it’s made me start brewing V60 again after a long break from it.

I’ve got quite an expensive hobby at the moment - keyboards. Custom keyboards. At the moment I have 4 keyboards in my office: Poker 2 ISO Ducky Shine 3 TKL ISO NERD 60 Winkeyless B.87 Ducky Shine 3 TKL ISO (MX Brown) #

I’ve known about TMUX for a few years now but never got around to checking it out. It’s not until the past few weeks where I’ve spent most of my time in the terminal for various projects that I’ve really felt the need to dig in and learn the basics.

I have this memory of when I was young, we used to go camping in something called a Dandy, one day I remember my dad making sketches on a scrap bit of paper, I was young I didn’t really understand what they were but he seemed quite excited at it.

This post is a follow up on: Why is admitting I can’t do something the hardest part of my job? Stupid stupid hangup. — Mike Bell (@mikebell_) December 20, 2016 There became a point over the past two years where it dawned on me that I was a good coder. It sounds like I’m talking out of my ass but it’s true, I noticed when asked to solve complex problems and found the solution came really easy to me. I guess after over 9 years I get Drupal.

Like most conversations do it starts with a “Hey, how are you?”. What people don’t know is the mental twists that my brain goes through in the split second it takes me to answer.