You become so desperate that you’re willing to try anything to get better. It’s a good thing to a certain extent. It shows that you’re at the stage where you want help in any form.

I’m a long way from that time, but in order to get here I started taking anti-depressants and beta blockers. I’m sure that without them I wouldn’t be in the position I am now but they have a lasting effect.

I’ve decided that I want to get off them, they’re starting to scare me, they’re like a fake reality that’s projected in front of my eyes. That’s not to say that I’m not better but part of me wonders how much of that is the meds. So it’s time to move away from them, this isn’t an easy thing. For a start you can’t just go cold turkey.

A couple of months ago I decided that I wanted to ditch the beta blockers, the side effects aren’t great so I figured I’d go a couple of days without them. FUCK NO, I was walking down Deansgate when things started to get weird. My heart started to palpitate, I was sweating buckets and I started panicking. Luckily I was on my way to meet Hannah so that kept me calm, and I managed to cope until I got home and swiftly took another tablet. I learnt the hard way that you can’t just quit.

So today while going to the doctors for what turns out to be a viral chest infection I renewed my perscription for the meds, I said I wanted to cut down on the dosages in an attempt to return myself to a non medicated state. I’m not sure what went from here but I ended up with the same dosages as usual, apparently I’ve not been on the meds for long enough. I was confused and not thinking straight as my chest is causing me real issues at the moment so didn’t question it. It’s only know that I am.

The thing with the beta blockers is that they regulate my heart beat. This is great it means that it’s under control when I have panic attacks. It’s not great when I need to get oxygen circulating around my body. I first noticed this when I went to St Ives to recover, it’s has big steep hills that destroyed me every time I went up them. I’m worried that this is going to be a huge issues when I go skiing in the new year.

The anti depressants are even more scary, they’ve had a huge difference in my thoughts and attitude but as part of my recovery I want to understand what I was feeling before, that way I can evaluate it and learn how to deal with in the future.

By the sounds of it I’m going to be medicated for a good few months until at least April/May next year. So I’m setting this deadline, by my birthday in April I want to be medication free. I want to spend my birthday in San Francisco free of anti depressants and beta blockers.