Mental Health

Below is an update I posted to Convivio and my familly whatsapp group. Parts are redacted. I haven’t really checked in with you all in a while so figured I would give an update on how I am.

When I look at my arm I hate it, it doesn’t feel a part of my body, the scars are a constant reminder that I went through a dark time and it’s something that makes me feel angry and ashamed. Living with this is something I’m struggling with at the moment. I hate having to keep my arm covered all the time it’s frustrating since I really don’t like having my forearms covered at all.

One of the things I’ve found quite hard to accept is how awesome my support network has been over the past few months. Hannah - She’s taken days of work to sit with me and keep me company when times were the darkest, she’s looked after me in so many different and amazing ways. She’s fattened me up on sweets when I’ve been unable to eat and provided an endless supply of tea even if she’s still got a way to go when it comes to brewing properly!

After this post I figured I should write more since I’ve always found it cathartic. The support I’ve had since I published it has been amazing, thanks to everyone who got in touch on twitter and other means, I’m sorry I’ve not replied yet but it’s a bit overwhelming and I’m honestly not sure what I can say.

I’ve always tried to be open and public about my dealings with mental health which is why this post is probably the hardest I’ve ever written. It started a few months ago when I noticed that stress from work was building up to a point where I couldn’t handle it anymore, depression and anxiety hit hard and I lost control again. While not as bad as my first breakdown what happened after was the worst experience of my life.

Recently my anxiety is triggering more and more frequently. Last night two men were arguing outside Sainsburys at Oxford Road, it triggered my anxiety, my heart began racing, eyes twitching and I became the monster I hate.

The posts below are my journey through the past few years of my life with depression and anxiety. They’re rough, crass and raw. Looking back through all this is a challenge and shows how far I’ve come. Each post represents a large part of my life.